A Letter To Me

Me,

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I didn’t allow you to feel.

To feel the pain you’ve been suppressing for years. To feel the grief of the losses you’ve endured. I’m sorry, that I didn’t allow you to feel all the things you’ve been carrying. The things weighing you down. I’m sorry I forced you to carry them, to keep moving, to keep running, taking on new tasks, different adventures, anything that you could think of that would stop you from feeling the pain, I’m sorry.

Because while I was pushing you to keep going, to move, to run the marathon, to take the trip, to go on the hike, to perform for an audience… thinking that making others laugh might mean you weren’t as sad as you’ve been hiding, forcing you to smile, all the while only allowing those closest to you to know how deeply you were hurting, was preventing you to heal.

While you were needing to face everything, I encouraged you to run. Because running meant you didn’t have to feel. But by not feeling, you were unable to heal. Staying on the same cycle of sadness, anger, pain, and disappointment. Re-living all the things you’ve been through. Pretending to be alright, tucking away all the things that hurt into a deep place, trying to suffocate it all, but in turn, preventing yourself from really breathing, really living. Experiencing so many beautiful things but not really enjoying them because you were in so much pain. Thinking just one more “face this fear” experience and you’d be healed, you’d feel better, but you didn’t, and I told you to keep going. I forced you to keep going. Run, move, start over, you’ll feel better I said. But you don’t, you don’t feel better, you feel like a shell of a person, empty when you should feel so full. I forced you to help others thinking that would help you, thinking that would fix you, and it did. Temporarily. Temporarily it filled your heart until you didn’t have anyone else to help but yourself and you continued to run. Not feeling. Not healing.

I stood by as you watched friends heal and move forward with their lives all the while you stood still. Moving, growing, but stuck in the same place you were. Stuck in pain. Stuck in sadness and grief. Empty.

Let go, let go, let go. Stop moving. Face all the things that are hurting your heart and soul. Accept that you deserve to be loved too. Acknowledge that not everyone will hurt you. Not everyone who is supposed to stay will leave. Hear it again.

NOT everyone who is supposed to stay, will leave. I promise.

I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, that I didn’t allow you to process, to heal, to feel. But it’s time and It’s going to hurt and at times you might think that it’s never going to end, but I promise you it will. You will heal.

- Me